BIOS BY SUBMISSION A.K.A. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE STORY OF THAT GIRL IS?
Way back in the olden dayz when I first started putting together my website, I thought it might be a good idea to take a look at other actors’ websites to get a feel for what was out there...
It was NOT.
People had pages that featured pictures of themselves as children, looking *adorable* in the school play, or hamming it up for the camera. Accompanying these *clearly a budding talent* pictures were stories of performing songs on the family hearth for a rapt audience of aunts and uncles, or how they knew they wanted to “tread the boards” from the moment they were conceived. *insert finger down throat here*
In some cases, I found actors that ACTUALLY QUOTED THEMSELVES on what it was that they enjoyed about “their craft.” No, I am not kidding. They were doing this in all seriousness. For example. Here I am, writing this explanation, right? Hi, this is me, Kristen, I am writing this about me and then it’s as if suddenly I say, “Kristen says, ‘ I just look forward to the warm feeling I get near the pit of my stomach, almost like I’ve wet my pants. That’s when I know the character has jumped off the page and become a part of me.’” WHO TALKS ABOUT THEMSELVES IN THE THIRD PERSON LIKE THAT!?!?!?
Kristen turns at this moment to gag.
So I went and found two pictures of me as a kid. They are both from my first ballet recital. In one, my mother is holding my chin in her hands, my jaw is slack and she is applying wet eyeliner to my eyes. I look like a simpleton. You might say tard, but people might get all bent out of shape.
The other is moments later outside of our apartment building. I can't find it, but I am in my leotard and tutu and I look miserable.
Because I AM miserable. I HATED ballet. Ballet is not for the spazzerific, chronically messy haired children. To go with these pictures, I wrote a tongue in cheek bio, where I basically took the piss out of myself. You know, how I would sell out for five dollars and a bag of bagels. (To be honest, it was actually a spoof of a very annoying bio on an *even more annoying than her bio* actress that I know...) After a while I even got sick of that.
So I opened it up to anyone. Anyone can write my biography. The rules are simple: It has to be fake. It can incorporate elements of my real life, but it cannot be an actual attempt to chronicle the Fabulous And Very Interesting Real Life Of Kristen. It has to be funny. Management reserves the right to decide what is “funny.” So far, everyone’s been pretty funny...
but I’m sure you can do better... Can’t you?
Submit your bio by mailing it to occupant [at] kristenrutherford dot com -- we’ll provide a picture to go with it.