Attack What?

Yesterday was my first day writing for Attack of the Show! here at G4.

I arrived at the E! building and gave my name to the receptionist. She had me fill out some forms so I can have an ID badge and asked me to wait to have my picture taken. The forms asked me to provide an interesting fact about myself for the E! Newsletter. I wrote "used to be leader of a psychotherapy sex cult...", thought better of it, crossed it out and wrote "Rampant A.I." in the "Previous Job" blank instead.

I figured that I would be running for most of the day, and it would be hectic with little chance of a break, so I found my way to the closest ladies room.

Where I discovered that my underwear was on inside-out.

You know, once you realize that your underwear is on inside-out, it's just best to leave it alone. I mean - you tell me - is it a good omen or a bad omen? Best not to mess with the universe, I say.

I also picked my stall.

Well yeah, you are saying - um, you HAVE to pick a stall in any public restroom with more than one stall. See, but I literally mean, I picked my stall. Whenever I use that ladies room in the lobby on the first floor, I will use that stall. I don't know why I do this, but I've done it in every office that I have ever worked in for any amount of time. I even used to do this when I was a kid and would visit my dad at his office (Last stall on the left.) Before you start backing away from me and my ritualistic tic - let me say this: 1) it's not like I do blood sacrifice to celebrate a new job, so let's put things in perspective, and 2) COME ON! YOU don't have something that you do at a job? Some little ritual or superstitious act of violence that you commit when in an office environment. Wait, did I say violence? I meant randomness. *laughs a bit too hard*

Come on - share. Anonymously if you want to, but it will be that much harder for me to point and laugh, so keep that in mind.

Working for G4 is really like working for E! which is like working for Comcast. It's a crazy cross between Corporate Drone Cubicle Time and Crazy Fly By Night Production Company With Artsy Fun Quirky Folk. Which means that my first day here at AOTS was spent doing things that you might do on your first day at Bank of America -- like making sure I had an ID badge that allows me to get in the elevator and go to the floors I need to get to, finding my desk, getting supplies for my desk, setting up my voicemail account, setting up my email account, calling IT to get a better computer and an ergonomic keyboard, calling Facilities to bring me lamps and locks and drawers and stuff for my desk, (and... um... get rid of the fake fur that is sitting in my cabinet. Okay, so that part wasn't so corporate drone-ee/Bank of America-ish), wandering around the building getting lost in the maze, stealing a giant map of the world so I can build a wall near my desk (Don't tell! It was just laying around!) finding kitchens and bathrooms, and figuring out where viable sources of food lay. Kevin helped me with the last one, and gave me a Magic 8 Ball for my desk. "How long before I get fired?", I asked it. It just gave me an edge.

Oh, and of course they had to orient-ate me for a few hours in the morning. We got packets of company info and a comcast group mug with all the network logos on it. I put my mug in my purse and then immediately raised my hand and said "I didn't get a mug." So now I have one for my desk and one for home. Ka-kow! An upscale power point presentation taught me that I am Not Allowed To Bother Ryan Seacrest If I See Him In The Elevator and Sexual Harrasment is Bad. I almost asked if there was some form I could sign that would say I WANTED people to harrass me and that I was okay with it, because, I would have patiently explained to the very young, cute and stylish HR girl running the slideshow, as you get older, harrassment is one of the few things that makes you feel like a viable sexual being. I'm a few years away from walking back and forth in front of construction sites.

Speaking of young, cute and stylish girls. This place is full of hot women. As I make my way through the labyrinth of E! and Style, I am convinced that at any moment I will discover "The Door". Behind that magic door is where they keep the giant vagina that spontaneously births out cute, well groomed girls with incredibly pointy shoes, low rise dark-wash jeans and sporty jackets.

Right now I am learning the ropes, sitting in on meetings and tapings, and being eased into the writing process. However, if you watched the show yesterday, you can probably guess what tiny little iota of it came from me. Tabburu Go-Go! I am always ready and willing to come up with a fake Japanese Game Show name or Chinese Corporation. If you don't watch the show, then you are a terrible person and everyone agrees with me, even though they won't say it to your face.

Off to read over the feed --

... and when I get back this fake red and black fur better be history. Seriously, WTF?